Stop

I used to think that maybe if I stayed still enough that I would maybe just stop. Like my lungs would forget to breathe and the blood would stop running through my veins and my heart would stay so still that my brain would think I was dead and finally just switch off. I would be so still that even God would think I was dead and he would pick me up and take me to heaven and I would be happy and safe. But then someone I loved told me that liars go to hell, and I realised I would end up there because I lied my way to heaven and I faked it all, so I tried my hardest to never stay too still for too long and the thoughts continued to race through my mind, and my blood kept on running through my veins. But now, I think of dying again and the thought of hell doesn’t seem so bad. I guess what I’m trying to say is maybe anywhere is better than here.

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I don’t think they ever did

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I am nothing but a tiny tree in a forest of 7 billion. My roots are tight to the ground, sucking up life and water and all things pure, yet an unfilter fills it with dirt and sadness and suddenly I am the smallest tree of them all for I don’t have what I need to be tall like the others. So I hang my head in sadness and blend in with the leaves. Nobody will remember you. Will anybody remember me? I try to smile because that’s what people like but now that you are unfiltering my smiles, they become frowns and people don’t like to look at those. Why would they? I don’t think they ever did.

Sometimes I like being sad and angry because at least that beats feeling nothing at all. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Nobody, nobody, nobody is here. Just pretend just laugh, just pretend that there is no unfilter and that you are surrounded by people who are listening, who love you, who will remember you. Maybe they will. Maybe they do notice. But why would they do that? I don’t think they ever did.

So I listen to music with no words because I have so many words and just one more will make me explode in to colour. At least then they’d maybe remember me… But instead I’ll implode and then I will remember and never forget, and still I will blend in to the leaves. I can’t use words but I can use looks why can’t anybody see, why can’t anybody know? They’re probably all too busy thinking about their own words. Maybe they are thinking about what I could say. Maybe they are thinking about me. But why would they do that? I don’t think they ever did.

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This is a piece of writing that pretty much fell out of my mouth when I was feeling creative! I hope you like it. P.S I am very aware that unfilter isn’t a word (or is it..?)

Tilly 🙂