Permanent solution

I never saw it as a permanent solution
Bathroom to bathroom,
skipping the important moments,
distancing myself from anything that mattered,
that’s how I did it but
you always have to come back,
(miss one too many moments and your brain starts to spin)
Nobody ever noticed. Not until it meant too much.

I never saw it as a permanent solution
Just a walk away for a little while
away from all those faces that make me hide my
eyes.

I saw it as a temporary fix,
a drug,
a way to feel alive, but safe.
No one missed me, I always came back.

I never thought it could be a
permanent solution.
I sat in that park all day,
I walked around and
I told myself:
“Don’t go back.”

I never saw it as a permanent solution
 I thought maybe it could be the fix I needed.
No stability,
no people, alone for
all of time.

But isn’t that what got me here in the first place?
Lonely even in the loudest places,
didn’t belong so I found a new place,
where nobody could make me feel
lonely because nobody was there to tell me that
I should and that I’m
a piece of shit and
that was the first day I felt the feelings leaking from my throat and in to the toilet bowl along with the remainder of those who had kept me company that day.

I never saw it as a permanent solution.
It never made me thinner.
I never lost weight.
I lost self-esteem,
tumbling down the plug hole of a cold shower,
the water drinking my tears as they came up with
half a tub of ice cream.

I never thought it was a permanent solution.
I never told myself it would last longer than a week,
just like my other bad habits.
But there I was
half a year later,
failing my AS levels and
longing for the relief of a dirty toilet bowl and
an empty stomach
just to make me feel less
useless.

I haven’t done it for a long time.
Sure I’ve hurt, but
it will never ever hurt the way that feeling did,
does.
Always aching,
always screaming at me to
DO SOMETHING,
MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So me and this feeling we lie together at night.
I don’t need to feel lonely,
or ever be alone.
I always have the feeling.

I never saw it as a permanent solution.
Maybe it wasn’t.
But I sure feel better than I did without it to fall back on