Blood

Leaves are growing through my veins and blocking all the blood
It floods my heart and floods my brain and now I don’t know how I am supposed to choose between you or myself.
Instead I will drown in the red and the blue and the tears that over flow under my eyelids.
Catch them.
Catch them if you can.
Feed them to your thirsty heart and you can choose me as
I have chosen
you.

Ache

 

My legs ache like they’ve never ached before and I
Didn’t know it was possible to feel this lonely even
Though I am surrounded by people who know me the best but
If they know me the best then why am I so
So
Alone?

You can ask the questions but you’ll rarely get
The answer.
Maybe there isn’t an
Answer just lots and lots of
Questions and queries and thoughts and unanswered phone calls
At 3 in the morning when you’re at your worst, but they’re at their best fast asleep and
Dreaming of a new day when you’re hoping that this will
Be your
Last.

Laughing

Laughing is a great way to keep track of where you feel the best
Last time I laughed I was alone
Maybe I’m better off there too
But then whenever I am with you I get this feeling
Like if I laugh I’ll wake you up and you’ll realise that I’m not the one you want
Maybe I belong with you
But maybe I belong alone
Without you
Where I can laugh and be me
But am I really me when I’m not with you?
Do I even exist or am I just here for you?

Mine

Your heart beats like mine
A little bit soft a little bit sad
Slowed by the dust and the grime
And the sound of the girl I never had.

You miss her too
I know you do don’t you?
I can hear her laugh in your tears.
Don’t you know I feel the same?
I feel that pain and my cries laugh with her smiles too.
You could be my new laugh and I will be your smile
Maybe then you’ll see it’s worth the while
To love someone who isn’t worth loving at all.

The sky

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The crack in the sky opened and the

Rain poured down

with the pain of one thousand sunsets

in the space of a few hasty seconds.
The pain concentrated on my heart

and pulsed the feeling through my

Veins, cracking my blood and drying 
my tears and reminding me that
I was barely there yet
No further than you were
In that moment.

Stop

I used to think that maybe if I stayed still enough that I would maybe just stop. Like my lungs would forget to breathe and the blood would stop running through my veins and my heart would stay so still that my brain would think I was dead and finally just switch off. I would be so still that even God would think I was dead and he would pick me up and take me to heaven and I would be happy and safe. But then someone I loved told me that liars go to hell, and I realised I would end up there because I lied my way to heaven and I faked it all, so I tried my hardest to never stay too still for too long and the thoughts continued to race through my mind, and my blood kept on running through my veins. But now, I think of dying again and the thought of hell doesn’t seem so bad. I guess what I’m trying to say is maybe anywhere is better than here.

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Stay

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I came downstairs to find you making breakfast in the shirt I lent you last night, humming along to my favourite song on the radio and I think that’s when I fell in love.
Now we’re standing here on opposite sides of a hallway waiting for the other to say it’s all going to be ok and it’s all going to work out, but we both know that’s not true, because no matter how many times someone says they love you, it’s never enough to stay

Bathroom sink

I fill the sink right to the top
I promise this time I won’t stop
I drink and drink from the bathroom sink
til my belly’s full and I feel quite sick
But I won’t give up this time
I’ll drink until I split my sides
Fill my bladder to the top
Maybe this is time to STOP
The thinking just keep drinking
feel the bad thoughts slowly sinking
Just one more gulp it all goes down
Do you think they’ll love me now?

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