Yours

If it makes you so unhappy why do you let them do it?
Run a wrist down the side of your waist let it stop,
stop
crying,
(it makes it seem like you’re lying),
 stiff upper lip –
keep tight, keep your mouth closed,
it is not theirs to open.

Your body is yours,
so why does it feel as if your insides are filled,
with the hands of the universe?
and a ticking clock for a heartbeat?
Waiting to set off the alarm to tell people that they can have a free feed.

Your strings are attached to so many different brains
you no longer have one of your own,
stretched out of shape,
soft,
and selfish.
You’ve thought of nothing but your own skin for days on end,
and how many times you can cut it
before it rips open completely,
letting out the marbles that once lived in your now empty skull.

Sometimes,
you think about sewing yourself back up
and pouring the marbles down your throat
but every time you do,
someone quickly fills your veins with
hungry flies and
sews your mouth shut so you’re no longer you
until you let them out again.

Right now, your skin is red-raw.
A picnic blanket of infested sandwiches and oozing juice.
Cover it with a thick layer of grass,
and dirt,
and fallen leaves,
and nasty, nasty thoughts
and poems to hide the stench of
unhappy and
imperfection.
Hide your ugly face.
With a layer of smiles,
and a kind voice,
just to fool the world into thinking
that it’s fine
for them to rest their hands on your open wounds
and private poems.

Permanent solution

I never saw it as a permanent solution
Bathroom to bathroom,
skipping the important moments,
distancing myself from anything that mattered,
that’s how I did it but
you always have to come back,
(miss one too many moments and your brain starts to spin)
Nobody ever noticed. Not until it meant too much.

I never saw it as a permanent solution
Just a walk away for a little while
away from all those faces that make me hide my
eyes.

I saw it as a temporary fix,
a drug,
a way to feel alive, but safe.
No one missed me, I always came back.

I never thought it could be a
permanent solution.
I sat in that park all day,
I walked around and
I told myself:
“Don’t go back.”

I never saw it as a permanent solution
 I thought maybe it could be the fix I needed.
No stability,
no people, alone for
all of time.

But isn’t that what got me here in the first place?
Lonely even in the loudest places,
didn’t belong so I found a new place,
where nobody could make me feel
lonely because nobody was there to tell me that
I should and that I’m
a piece of shit and
that was the first day I felt the feelings leaking from my throat and in to the toilet bowl along with the remainder of those who had kept me company that day.

I never saw it as a permanent solution.
It never made me thinner.
I never lost weight.
I lost self-esteem,
tumbling down the plug hole of a cold shower,
the water drinking my tears as they came up with
half a tub of ice cream.

I never thought it was a permanent solution.
I never told myself it would last longer than a week,
just like my other bad habits.
But there I was
half a year later,
failing my AS levels and
longing for the relief of a dirty toilet bowl and
an empty stomach
just to make me feel less
useless.

I haven’t done it for a long time.
Sure I’ve hurt, but
it will never ever hurt the way that feeling did,
does.
Always aching,
always screaming at me to
DO SOMETHING,
MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So me and this feeling we lie together at night.
I don’t need to feel lonely,
or ever be alone.
I always have the feeling.

I never saw it as a permanent solution.
Maybe it wasn’t.
But I sure feel better than I did without it to fall back on

Know

 

You know that I need this sweet breath of air
to fill my lungs with dreams that find my head
my love, you try to stitch me up instead
the lack of you, it leaves my lungs so bare
I cry for your love, I scream for your care
But to you, I still lie, chained to the bed
Surrounded with an air of hasty red
My sheets now show the stains of spirit shared

You try to tell me all will soon be lost
A careless spill of courage and of doubt
For someone so soft, so sad, so damn sick
But you are worth no, love, or care, or lust
No matter how you try to show me out
A girl like me, you just can not unstick

This

It never gets better than this.
The aching sound, the dullest taste.
Your stinging fingers on her waist
you pull her tight, you tell her this
“The nicest girl I’ve never kissed”

A shining light, a painful tongue
you want to love, you want to feel
her mouth has what you need to heal
you want to touch, you want to run
But this love has just begun

And then it ends, the feeling dead
you see the blood roll out her eyes
A gift just for her empty thighs
But she sits so still inside your head
An image only you can agonise

The beautiful girl, the dying look
her lips a gap you want to fill
you hold her hand, you feel the chill
of pages turning in a book
the feeling, she could make you spill